Here’s the second monthly Bitsize reviews, where I attempt to summarize the movies I’ve seen in 20 words or less.
The Squid and the Whale - Whale wins. Smart people are assholes. You’re a philistine.
Clerks II - There’s cake!
Zodiac - Awesome cinematography. Awesome movie. Robert Downey Jr is a drunk. (big stretch of imagination required)
Walk Hard - In my dreams, you’re blowing me… and ripping sinks off bathroom walls.
Edward Scissorhands - Women are the real monsters.
Cars - Cow tipping is fun. Black people like pimped out cars. Paul Newman is old.
Ocean’s Thirteen - Don’t mess with Eliot Gould. George Clooney is sexy.
The Machinist - It’s more straight forward than what you might expect.
A History of Violence – The final scene deserves to be studied in film schools. It is a perfect example of what film making should be.
Eastern Promises – Brutally realistic violence. Very nice plot twist. I’m really starting to respect Cronenberg.
Escape From New York - Classic Carpenter. I can imagine it to be an incredible achievement when it was made.
The Notebook - Modern day fairy tale and melodrama at its finest.
I Am Legend - Will Smith vs. CGI Zombies. Ending isn’t nearly as moving as they wanted to be. Should have stuck closer to the source material.
The DaVinci Code - Made from Swiss cheese. Horrible use of flashbacks.
3:10 to Yuma - Everyone gets shot.
Stardust – It took an hour and forty minutes to build up an amazing movie, and only twenty minutes to destroy it.
Hot Fuzz - Country folks are all nuts. Everybody and their mothers know that.
Lake House - It’s like Speed, but there’s not Denise Hopper. Keanu Reeves is the master of underacting.
Harold and Kumar go to White Castle - White people are assholes
Live Free or Die Hard - Your fridge is connected to the internet, and that guy from the mac commercial is going to hack it.
Jesus Camp – This film will scare you more than any slasher gorno ever will.
No Country for Old Men – omgwtfbbq.
Away From Her – There are parts of it that’s just like The Notebook, except this is 10 times better.
Alpha Dog – Sexy left and was not brought back.
There Will be blood - There was no blood, only milkshake.
Blood Diamonds - This! is! AFRICAAAAAAAAAAAA!
