Happy Holidays!
I really got into the spirit of Christmas, so i decided to write this song. a small amount of it is plagiarized from James Joyce, which would explain all the references to Dublin.
It’s not exactly appropriate and some people will not find it funny. Use your own discretion.
February on Christmas Eve
It’s Christmas Eve in Markham, and everyone is having a good time.
Not a creature is stirring, except for the one in
my pants.
I’m tired of spending the holiday with stale fruitcakes.
Because after all, stalkings aren’t the only things well-hung.
So I tossed my porno mags into the fireplace
in search for my very own Christmas cheer.
I walked over the hill and through the woods.
I climbed the tallest mountain and crossed the widest lake.
Only to find her.
Only to find her.
Sitting in the snow with her skin so soft.
Staring at me with her eyes so dark.
She was the prettiest
reindeer
that I had ever seen.
[chorus]
Oh it must be February on Christmas.
‘Cause cupid struck me hard.
Oh don’t worry my sweet Bambi.
That’s not a forest fire.
It’s…
gonorrhea!
gonorrhea!
With a snap of a twig and a gust of wind.
Out from nowhere in a cloud of mist
comes Santa, Ryan Seacrest, and Bono in drag.
“Stop this abomination of nature” cried the small one.
I pulled up my pants and stood up tall.
My hands are firm and my balls are blue,
ready to defend the love of my life.
But little did i know, they was packing uzis.
In a hail of bullets, I fell to the ground in piss and blood.
As I lay there, gasping for breath, miracle happened.
Santa, Ryan, and Bono, all died.. suddenly… of cancer! Lots of cancer! yay!
and I lived happily ever after. The end
[chorus]
Oh it must be February on Christmas.
‘Cause cupid struck me hard.
Oh don’t worry my sweet Bambi.
That’s not a forest fire.
It’s…
gonorrhea!
gonorrhea!
