ShortCircuited

We can entertain ourselves!

Here’s a totally original medical drama I created, based completely on a true story.

The year is 1989 and the place is Munich. A man, an American, was rushed to the emergency room with life threatening conditions. A young female doctor sees the patient, looks at the charts, and is visibly concerned. When asked, the paramedics explained that this man is the drummer for the band R.E.M.

CUT TO opening credits

Doktor Haus bursts into a lecture hall where a dozen other doctors are seated. Unlike the other doctors, Doktor Haus is not wearing a lab coat, but rather, he sports a leather jacket, sneakers, and a stylish cane that would make an Amsterdam pimp jealous. At the front of the lecture hall is Doktor Foermann, a hip black doctor with a specialty in stealing cars.

Doktor Foermann: Where have you been! It’s almost noon.
Doktor Haus: Love to talk about my day too, but some people have lives to save. Is that a new haircut? oh wait. *He turns to face the other doctors* Differential diagnosis people! What causes fever, rash, and nausea.
Cut-throat Bitch: Could be environmental, maybe he’s having an allergic reaction to something he didn’t know about.
Doktor Haus: Cute, but that doesn’t explain the fever.
Nervous Brown Guy: Maybe it’s lupus. It would explain all of the symptoms.

Haus gives Nervous Brown Guy a blank stare

Doktor Haus: You’re fired.
Nervous Brown Guy: what?
Doktor Haus: You heard me. out!
Big Love: This guys is a rock star. Maybe he’s overdosed.
Doktor Haus: Or maybe you think god is punishing him for playing the devil’s muic? Thank God I’m an atheist. No. REM doesn’t rock nearly enough to be taking heroin. Come on people? what else can it be?
Thirteen: An infection would explain the fever.

Haus makes a retarded face.

Doktor Haus: Great job Columbo! Put him on broad spectrum antibiotics. check back on him after 12 hours.
Doktor Foermann: Wait, we haven’t ruled out cardiomyopathy.
Doktor Haus: Fine, do a biopsy. Excuse me. I have to go download some more porno before Big Love here banishes me under the eternal servitude of Satan.

CUT TO:

Moments later, in the patient’s room.

Doktor Foermann: You should feel a slight pulling sensation.

The patient gets a nervous breakdown and starts yelling about a purple dragon thats coming after him.

CUT TO:

CLOSE UP of white board in Haus’ office. It has on it all of the symptoms of the patient, with hallucinations added to the list. As the camera zooms out, we notice that Haus is eating out of a container labeled Doktor Wilson.

Doktor Haus: Any other bright ideas?

Frauline Desperatehospitaladministor suddenly interrupts the meeting.

Frauline Desperatehospitaladministor: You authorized a heart biopsy on a patient with unknown conditions? You almost killed him!
Doktor Haus: Yeah, you’re right. It’s much more fun to a biopsy on someone we know doesn’t have a heart condition.

Haus’ pager goes off.

Doktor Haus: Well, we have nothing to worry about, he doesn’t have a heart condition. Oh by the way, say hello to the twins for me.

CUT TO:

Haus is in the patient’s room. The patient is now in a coma.

Doktor Haus: damn it! what could it be? If we don’t do anything, he’ll be dead in 24 hours.

CUT TO:

Montage of Haus throwing his ball around and looking puzzled at various times of the night inter-spliced with close-up shots of his NIKE brand sneakers. In the final shot, his face lights up in a moment of enlightenment.

CUT TO:

Haus runs over to the patient’s room and searches the patient’s body until he arrvied at some small marks on his thighs.

CUT TO:

The next morning, Haus again storms into the lecture hall.

Doktor Haus: You idiots! Who taught you how to take patient histories.
Thirteen: Is he alright?
Doktor Haus: You failed to mention that he was gardening in his home town Wisconsion just last week.
Cuthroat Bitch: What does that have do to with anything?
Doktor Haus: It has everything to do with it. He spent a lot of time in his garden, which means he was exposed to lots of little insects. Most of them are harmless, but he was bitten by a particularly nasty little tic, from which he contracted Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever. It can lie dormant for a week, which explains why he did not show any symptoms until he came to Germany. I gave him some Doxycycline. He should be ready to checkout within the week.

CUT TO:

Main hospital lobby. Haus is about to leave when he runs into the attractive female doctor from the ER room.

Attractive Doctor: Haus, there’s something I have to tell you… I …. I love you.
Doktor Haus: Oh boy.. .

Haus reaches into his pocket.

Doktor Haus: I only have a fifty. How long will that get me?

CUT TO closing credits.